dear dietry #1

Eating is my obsession.  It always has been.  It's (like) a drug; it's a way to feel pleasure and numb pain.  It's an addiction; I think about it constantly.  I reward myself with sweets, bury my sorrows in ice cream and feel sorry for myself in carbohydrates.

It's SO time to get over it.

My Mr. puts pressure on me, teases me constantly, threatens to leave me, but it's ME who wants to be thin.  To blow the other girls away, to look like a girl not "a woman".  To be HOT.  I've had eating disorders in the past (anorexia/bulimia) and still have the bingey, overeating one.

FUN.

But it's so time to get over it, so time to move on.  My boobs shrink with every diet.  They never come back the same.  I have so much extra skin.  I don't fit in my old clothes, I can't believe anyone would look at me naked.  Sometimes I feel hot, but I don't want to.  I want to get thin!

I"ve been reading diet books, cookbooks; listening to tapes, doing situps and lifting weights, walking the dog... I'M EXAGGERATING.  I do a tiny bit of each.  But i'm going to put a move on.  I wanna go fat free, I think it will help.  NOW NOW NOW

not tomorrow.  nothing happens tomorrow.